- As a middle-class white American, I know there is no worse problem than having mice in your home. The furry little rodents crawl in your walls, eat your food, and pollute your home with their waste. Nobody wants that, but the commercial solutions found at your local hardware store leave much to be desired.
- They leave you to choose between cowardly poisons or finger-crushing mouse traps
- It has to be one or the other, right?
Wrong!
Through a series of scientific tests and felonies, I’ve created an all-natural method to forever rid your home of mice. Say goodbye to dirty poison and painful traps forever by following these six easy steps:
1) Release a bunch of snakes into your home
5 out of every 7 Americans believe that the house cat is the ultimate mouse killer, but this is yet another lie from the big feline lobbyists in DC. Independent studies have shown time and time again that snakes will out-slaughter cats on a yearly basis. Plus, the snake will devour the mice whole whereas the cat will leave bloody carcasses out for show around the house. You can compare numbers all day, but if you want results then snakes are the answer.
Your neighbors are going to absolutely hate this step.
People get weird around snakes (thanks a lot, Bible), and neighbors may express their discomfort. Sometimes they’ll do this loudly and with threats of violence. I’ve found it’s best to let them vent and feel heard. They don’t know it yet, but things are about to get a lot worse before they get better.
2) Capture a bobcat to kill the snakes
At this point, your home will be mouse free! It will, however, be infested with snakes that are full and wanting to breed. This step must be completed immediately after the mice are eliminated. If the snakes nest, you’ll have to burn the whole house down. Likely by an order from a federal judge.
I’ve found the fastest and most effective way to rid yourself of the snakes is to release a wild bobcat into the home. You definitely won’t want to be around your home at this point, so best to stay at a hotel at this point (No friends or family will want you around by this point). Usually, a raw steak on a string will work to lure the natural-born killer into your home. Once the beast is through the doorway, just close the door and let nature take over.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to ensure your doors and windows are completely secure during this step. Many of your neighbors will already have unwanted snake infestations and will be pretty upset with you. If a bobcat gets loose in your neighborhood at the peak of the blood-fueled orgy of violence in your home, it will become a pretty serious legal situation.
3) Wrestle a mountain lion into your home
At this point, the bobcat will be in a frenzy and will need to be dealt with humanely. You may be tempted to skip this step and let the poor cat starve, but this poor animal just rid your home of snakes. At least allow it to die with some dignity.
The easiest way to naturally and violently rid them from your home is by trapping a mountain lion and releasing it into your home. You probably weren’t expecting to wrestle a lion, but here we are. If you’ve made it to this step, you obviously didn’t read the whole list before starting this process and are out of options. Either you wrestle the lion or flee the country.
It’s really not that bad. Check here for easy tips on trapping the beast: How to Trap a Mountain Lion
4) Place a Craigslist add for amateur lion tamers
While you can go through professional lion taming services, the costs are astronomical. They charge a flat fee, but you’re also on the hook for any injuries suffered during the wrangling. I’m not sure how familiar you are with wrangling big cats, but there are a lot of injuries.
By skipping the pros and just placing an ad directly on Craigslist, you’ll get people who are equally effective at a quarter of the cost. These are the people that wrangle lions, not for the money, but because they enjoy re-directing their rage into beating animals. There’s no illusions of being “humane” or “qualified”, it’s just a weird expression of self-love that might just help you get that pesky lion out of your home.
We could talk all day about the psyche of no-frills lion tamers, but there’s a lion in your home, and you need to act before the neighbors find out. Just hire one of these tamers and see what happens. The people who enjoy this work are usually morally objectionable and don’t have many friends and family, so it’s ok if you get a few killed before one finally slays or captures the beast.
One pro tip: At this step, it’s usually a good idea to dig a giant grave in your backyard. By the time you’re done, you will be exhausted, and digging graves in the dark of night will be the last thing you want to do.
5) Call the police
The animals are gone, but now there are desperate and likely wounded lion tamers living in the house. It’s easiest just to get the police involved at this point, as the amateur lion wranglers usually have transitioned into squatters which are kind of worse than any of the other stuff.
But there is some good news!
This is also the step where you make your money back, as you’ll be framing the tamers for all the damage that’s been done to your home. This is a step that really changes you as a person, but by this point whatever light was left inside of you has been long extinguished by the first 5 steps. While it’s sad to send these mostly innocent people to prison, it does allow you to get a payout from your insurance company.
6) Learn to live with the choices you’ve made
Good news: The nightmare is finally over!
You may think it’s over when the police arrest the tamers and your home is fixed, but there is one last challenge you need to overcome. It would be best if you found a way to forgive yourself for the massive damage you’ve done to your home and society at large. Countless pets will have died, and neighbors will likely have been bitten, mauled, or harassed by rogue lion tamers.
You’ll be broken inside for a while, but at least you won’t have that annoying mouse problem.
Congratulations on ridding yourself of rodents in an eco-friendly way! Our future generations will surely chant your name as a true eco-warrior. While the emotional toll of this process is severe, isn’t the health of our planet worth it?
Note from the author: All artwork was done by award-winning painter Michael Savio. Please e-mail [email protected] to purchase any of these canvases.
