In an explosive ruling Tuesday morning, a judge granted Princess Peach’s request for a restraining order against her local plumber. The plumber, who goes by Super Mario, will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of her royal highness.
“Today felt good.” Princess Peach told reporters outside the courthouse after the victory, “With this ruling, I feel like I can finally begin to rebuild the life this maniac took from me.”
“It started innocent enough.” Peach went on to say, “We had called Mario and his brother [Luigi] to help with our plumbing needs. After the first few visits, Mario became increasingly friendly and began insisting I come back to his place to look at his collection of gold coins and mushrooms. He kept talking about how certain mushrooms gave him magical powers that could help him turn into a giant.”
” That’s when I began to suspect something wasn’t right with him.”
According to court documents, Peach began avoiding Mario after his advances became too much. She testified that while she wanted to keep Mario as a plumber, she no longer felt safe in his company.
“That was a big mistake.” the Princess shared, “When Mario showed up at my castle and found me gone, he convinced himself I had been kidnapped and that he had to rescue me. This leads the idiot to Toad’s house, which he completely trashes.”
According to witnesses who described the event, Mario illegally entered the long-time assistant to Peach’s home and was belligerent. Despite attempts to calm him, Mario began violently stomping on Toad’s pets and searching for gold.
“It was a wild scene.” Mr. Toad said on his podcast. “Mario just came flying in, demanding to know where the princess was. I tried to tell him she was just out, but you could tell he had been poppin’ those shrooms and wasn’t hearing me. He just kept talking about these ghosts that only chase you when you aren’t looking. That’s when he lost it and started killing my pets. The weirdest part was when he left, he raised some kind of home-made flag on my flagpole out front. I’m no doctor, but there is clearly something wrong with the guy.”
“The guy squashed all my pets, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him.”
-Toad on the Toadally Awesome Podcast
While police were called to the scene, charges were never filed.
“After that incident, I thought I was able to get through to Mario and resolve things.” Princess Peach shared, “I didn’t want to embarass the guy, so I told the police it was ok so we could all just move on.
“Big mistake.”
“One week later, we found him stealing a bunch of flowers from the castle garden.” Peach went on to say, “When my security team confronted him, he began pretending to throw fireballs. This was when I knew I had to take action.”
Super Mario did testify at the hearing, but the effort appeared to do more damage than good.
“Look-a, I didn’t do any of this.” Mario told lawyers during questioning, “The truth is, I have an evil twin brother named Wario. It is my belief, your honor, that he is the one this court should be looking for. He’s a short and chubby Italian plumber too, but he uses his magic mushroom powers for evil. You probably want to look for his brother, Waluigi, as well.”
The bold defense strategy stunned the courtroom, but the judge did not buy the story. In her ruling, the judge stated that she believed Mario to be a danger to the Princess and society as a whole.
Mario was initially reluctant to speak after the ruling, but he did send a bizarre late-night video message to a local CBS affiliate. We were able to gain access to the short but shocking video.
“This is all Bowser’s fault.” a defiant Mario slurred in the video, “You guys don’t know him, but he’s a big [expletive] lizard king that is trying to take Peach away from me. He’s got this lava castle, but I have a friendly flying dinosaur that can help us get there. Oh yea, and don’t forget about Wario too. Come on, you guys, lets-a go!”
The 41-year-old Mario is expected to appeal the ruling, though the case against him appears to be insurmountable. It seems that, at least for the time being, Super Mario will have to stay super far from Peach.
As of press time, Mario was seen racing a go-kart around the downtown area while throwing banana peels and live turtles at passing motorists.
