Do you often drift off in class, wondering what your purpose is?
Or do you sit in class thinking that your school isn’t providing the challenge you need?
Do you not go to class at all?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, the US Army is the perfect career choice.
The US Army is looking for fresh young talent from a generation we totally get. We’ve created a work environment focused on having fun and doing a bunch of cool shit. The US Army has evolved with the times and is now one of the hippest places to work in the US!
No longer are we focused on being all boring and grumpy. Now, we’ve built a workplace based on tolerance and emotional honesty that will help you become the best version of yourselves.
Still not convinced? Here are five reasons why the US Army is right for you!
5) We’re Woke Now
The time of “don’t ask, don’t tell” is officially over. You can shag anyone or thing that you want and still be welcome in the Army. We’re excited to announce two new policies to help make our workplace even more inclusive.
First, no more colonizing. I know we’ve said that before, but now we mean it. Starting as soon as 2025, the US will not conduct any military operations unless we really have to. That’s a promise you can take to the bitcoin bank.
Second, our motivational drill instructors will now only use gender-neutral slurs while encouraging you through basic training. You’ll feel attacked/inspired but not threatened based on your race, gender, or sexual orientation.
With changes like these, we have turned the US Army into a safe and friendly workplace for people of all backgrounds.
4) Improve Your Call of Duty Skillz
The Call of Duty franchise is a genuine example of the neat stuff you’ll be doing in the Army. Equally fun, equally safe.
During your 2-year contract, you’ll train to become a Call of Duty legend. We’ll teach you how to handle weapons, basic battle strategy, stealth operations, and how to lead a team into combat. As a bonus, you’ll also learn all the military lingo to impress your fellow gamers.
Stop throwing your money away on skins and turn your game around once and for all!
3) Get The Ultimate TikTok Bod
Have you tried workout program after workout program only to fail to get results? Our ten-week basic training program is proven to be one of the best for weight loss and muscle tone. You’ll drop the fat and tone your muscles through expert-crafted workouts.
While this boot camp will be challenging, our motivational drill sergeants will help guide you on this physical and spiritual journey to a better bod. They will also take videos of you looking like a badass while working out, which you can post on the Tok.
Believe us when we say that there is no better way to sculpt your core than firing a shoulder-mounted rocket at a moving target. You’ll be a mean, lean, TikTok-ing machine when we’re done with you.
2) Free Personalized Camouflage Outfits
Each recruit will receive multiple sets of fashionable camo outfits. Your name will be stitched on along with a bunch of compartments to fit some cool stuff we’ll tell you about later.
As a bonus for signing up, all recruits will also receive one dress uniform with their name and a place for medals to be pinned on.
People will gravitate towards you if you wear either of these outfits out in public, often thanking you for your service. Please don’t read too much into it because the Army definitely isn’t dangerous. People just really like the outfits. Yea.
1) All Expense Paid Trip To Eastern Europe
Get to see and experience the history and culture of eastern Europe while Uncle Sam picks up the bill. If you sign up for the US Army today, you will receive a free work vacation somewhere in Eastern Europe.
Have you dreamed of seeing Moldova in the summer or taking in the fashionable streets of Warsaw? Then enlisting is the best way to turn those dreams into a reality. You’ll have the opportunity to deeply immerse yourself in a new culture and help remind locals of the ever-present threat of death. Super meta.
If Eastern Europe isn’t your bag, we also have opportunities in Taiwan!
So what are you waiting for? Go find your local recruiting station and get signed up today! You’ll be on your way to starting the coolest career in the country with a few quick questions and totally unimportant waivers.
P.S. Maybe tell your parents after you sign up. You know how parents can be ROFL.
