Are you considering starting a family but unsure if you’re ready to become a parent? Well, worry no more, as I am here to share my 7-step program that will allow you to experience parenthood before you commit!
#1. Start ignoring your pets
Before you have kids, your pets are your babies. You take them for walks, snuggle with them, and some of us even talk to them. Once a newborn arrives at home, that all changes. Suddenly the household is under new management, and your time is spent pleasing the new boss. This often leaves pets feeling rejected or left out, which can be heartbreaking to any pet owner. By ignoring your pets now, you’ll get to experience what’s it’s like to really break your pet’s heart. Once you stare into their desperate lonely eyes, you’ll have a pretty good idea if you’re ready to replace them in your heart.
#2. Try putting diapers on local wildlife in your neighborhood
From the second your child is born, diapers become one of the most important things in your life. Unfortunately, most kids view being changed as an act of war committed against them. They scream and struggle, often trying to kick and scratch their way free like a wild animal caught in a trap. This gets more difficult the older they get, especially when they can run. A great way to simulate this is to stalk, capture, and diaper a local wild animal without harming it. For the closest experience to a real child, I would recommend trying to find a raccoon to practice on. As Ben Franklin probably once said, if you can diaper a raccoon then you can diaper anything.
#3. Argue with internet trolls
Like children, internet trolls are unreasonable and overly emotional people. Hopping on your favorite social media platforms and picking some fights is a great way to prepare for being a parent. No matter how logical your arguments are or how delicately you make your points, you will only be met with anger and nonsense. The more you try to explain, the more upset they get. Being able to be mentally and emotionally devastated is an important part of being a parent, and there is nowhere better to prepare you than the internet.
#4 Burn a large pile of cash
I know everyone always says how kids are so expensive, but it’s true. The money you will spend on diapers and wipes is enough to financially cripple people. Then they get older and suddenly you are paying more for daycare than you are for your home. Burning a big pile of money really helps simulate the experience of watching your bank account slowly dwindle on things that are horribly overpriced. For the most authentic experience, I’d recommend burning it right before the holidays.
#5 Randomly dump your garbage can out all over your living room at least once a day
Kids are the worst roommates. They make a mess of everything and will never clean up. They also think it’s hilarious to spread trash from your trash cans all over your home. Both of my kids went through phases where they would sneak into the bathroom every time they could and just completely trash it. Tissues and feminine products all over the floor, toothbrushes in the toilet, sink overflowing, the whole nine yards. If you’re going to be a parent, you have to be ready to get a little dirty. What better way than by cleaning up gross garbage every day?
#6 Wake up and drink some tea every 90 minutes at night
Babies need to eat a lot, which means you are waking up every 1–2 hours each night in the beginning. Setting an alarm to go off every 90 minutes will simulate the experience of being suddenly awoken from sleep. The act of getting up to make the tea will simulate the preparing of the bottle. The time it takes to sit in silence and drink it will make sure you are fully awake before being able to go back to sleep. A few nights of this and you will have a good idea if you want kids or not.
#7 Publicly embarrass yourself each time you go out
One things kids will do quickly is help you get over your fear of making a scene in public. Depending on which age range you’d like to experience, I would recommend going about this one of two ways. The first way is to just start crying and screaming in the middle of whatever public area you are in. Nothing draws eyes to you quicker than a loud scream, and babies are full of ’em. The second way is to make brutally honest observations about strangers to their face. Kids are always brutally honest when they are young, especially when they first start being able to form sentences. You may get punched in the face or even arrested, but it’s a key part of this process.
If you make it through these 7 steps and are still even slightly considering having children, then you are officially parent material! You’ve experienced what parenthood is like and are prepared for what’s ahead. Now, go grab your partner and thank me later!
